My second blog piece was already written before the first one was posted.
The list of topics, the social media accounts, the timing of the blog – everything was planned.
What wasn’t planned was the reaction I received after posting my first blog post. Despite having a second blog piece already written and ready to go, I felt I needed to write this one instead.
On Sunday, when I pressed “publish” on my Facebook post announcing my first blog entry, I started to cry. My reaction took me by surprise because I thought that finally submitting my first blog post would feel somewhat freeing – a feeling similar to the one you get when you submit a final paper or complete a final exam.
It didn’t. It made me feel scared and vulnerable in a way I never imagined.
Announcing to the world that I am single, starting a fertility journey, and using an unknown donor sperm is quite intimidating.
For a couple minutes I thought that my friends and family were right – maybe I was exposing myself too much.
Before I started this blog, I asked a handful of people in my life about whether or not they thought the idea of writing about my journey while going through the fertility process was a good idea. The majority of the responses were no.
My dad was very worried about the “haters” that may attack me and cause me emotional distress. Friends were worried that by revealing so much about myself, it might cause me stress thus impacting my chances of getting pregnant. Most begged me to wait until after the baby is born to write about this topic. That way, I could experience all of the emotions privately and could write about the journey with some form of hindsight.
Despite all of the love and care for my well-being from my family and loved ones, I decided to go ahead with it and announce the news to everyone on my Facebook page.
I told myself that I would wait five minutes after posting it, feel all of my emotions, allow myself a little cry, and then decide whether or not to just take it down.
That’s when the messages started arriving.
I received over 100 messages on Sunday. Some were public yet most were private.
I cried and cried until I had puffy eyes and the tears no longer came out.
People wrote the kindest things to me and I want to share a few with you.
Yes, you, that woman who is debating whether or not she could possibly be supported on this journey of solo parenting.
“We needed help in the fertility department and I am due in a few weeks!”
“I am so proud of you for sharing your journey. You will lift and inspire other women in the process. The journey to motherhood and motherhood in itself is full of ups and downs, and often we only see the ups, which sets unrealistic expectations for mothers. We do a disservice to women by doing this. Thank you for sharing your story.”
“I messaged my friend and asked her if I should tell Sarah that having a husband makes being a Mom worse most of the time since sometimes men act like extra whiny kids themselves.”
“This is just beautiful, brave, and inspiring. I hope you sharing your journey empowers others, and gives them strength through the sharing of your own.”
“Our friend is a Choice Mom also and she loves that she doesn’t have to convince a partner about how she wants to parent. Families are formed in so many ways now.”
“The journey you’ve shared here, to come to this important decision for yourself, sounds like so much reflection, emotion, and intelligence. Wow. You’ve got a community of support clearly. Thank you for sharing your journey here.”
“I think it’s AMAZING that you are saying F*** OFF to everyone else’s opinions and judgments of what you should do. I’ve learned over time that nobody gives an f*** about what I’m doing. It’s only that I thought they did.”
“You know what you want and aren’t afraid to go out and get it. You don’t apologize for it (not that you need to). Motherhood is the most rewarding, frustrating, breathtaking blessing we will ever have. All the best!”
“Well written. Times ARE different. Glad to hear you are following that longing inside of you. Motherhood isn’t easy for anyone but it’s worth it.”
“Why do we have to wait until the Spring? Can’t we just go clubbing and meet a few contenders for a one-night adventure and voila?”
“As someone who was raised by a single mom, I know you can do this. I know you have it in you because you have so much love in you.”
So thank you. Thank you for making me laugh and for making me cry. Thank you for making me realize that there is a point in showing this kind of vulnerability.
And for the people out there that are worried about my emotional health, I promise to practice self-care. If things become too much, I promise to take a break.
To my readers, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read this blog. I promise to write the real and the raw truth about everything I am going through. This blog is completely new to me and the well wishes are so kind but I am fully aware that they will not always be kind. In fact, I’ve had a couple of instances already that have made me feel uncomfortable. I promise to write about that too.
I have tried to fully accept all of your kind words and encouragement. I have taken in each compliment with a breath reading it over and over so that it stays within me during this process. Trust me when I say that I am fully aware that this will not be just sunshine and roses. When I feel like giving up I will take a look at all of the kind and humorous things that people have written to me.
So thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you.
My hope is that I can actually get through this journey.
Your kind words and encouragement have started to make me believe that I actually will get through this journey.
And for this child somehow coming into my life in some form – I have so much love to give you. There is also so much love that has been already shown to you even before you have arrived. Little one, you, are surrounded by love.