Never in my entire life did I think that I would need to pay for sperm to have a baby but it is where I am. I can’t believe I need to pay a minimum $6000 – $8000 because I can’t find someone to be my partner.
Where did I go wrong? How did I become so unlovable?
From the age of 16 – until my marriage ended at 32, I was always dating someone. Sure there were times where I’d be single but I’d say that I was single for maybe 3-4 months and I would just find myself in another relationship. I was a relationship woman where I felt safe and secure. If I didn’t love myself, at least I had someone in my life who loved me, right?
I was also thin and beautiful. I look back at those pictures and can’t even recognize that woman before me. Would that woman have had to pay for sperm? Would that woman have ever thought that there would be a point in her life where she couldn’t find a man?
When I got divorced, I felt like the ground below me shifted. I got married and thought it would last forever. We were supposed to have kids together and live in that beautiful home. It felt like someone ripped my dream from me. What if I just put another man in that house? What if I just carried on with my plan to have kids? It wouldn’t hurt as much if I just did that, right? I couldn’t lie to myself.
I couldn’t date anyone for a long time.
As someone who got my whole sense of self from external sources (like male attention) I really struggled. Normally I would just meet someone else and hoped I’d be able to breathe a huge sigh of relief because he would show myself and others that I was still lovable and that I could find love.
But that didn’t happen.
When I went back out into the dating world it wasn’t like it was before. Who knows what changed but I figure a big part of it was me. I had lost every single bit of confidence and felt like a baby deer getting used to my new legs.
I tried a variety of techniques – pretending to have confidence, pretending not to care, pretending to be okay with who I was. Then I switched to pretending I was always having fun, using my dates towards blog entries so that I felt I was getting something out of it when it didn’t work and when it was a waste of time. At least there would be a good story out of it that I could tell at a party and everyone would laugh. And while I pretended that dating was fun and that I loved these stories, if I were really honest with myself, I would have known that I was lonelier than ever.
After a while, I decided to stop pretending to be someone else on dates and to be me. I tried to be open and honest with the men I was going on dates with and I’d be honest with myself. This is where the right man would show up, right? Nope. It was one thing when men were rejecting me when I was pretending to be someone else but now they were rejecting me as a person. I know you aren’t supposed to look at rejection like that but some part of me did and it hurt.
And in the meantime all anyone wanted for me was to have love.
Part of me feels like a complete failure. Everyone knows that I want to find someone. I want to love again and it is just not happening. It’s like we could all breathe better if I found love.
And through the process of trying to date again while somehow trying to accept who I am, my body started changing. Food became my new partner because I was so lonely. The more rejection I faced, the more I would turn to binge eating episodes to cure me of my loneliness. I’d go through phases in my dating life where I would just eat instead of going out. If I stayed home to eat, I’d know there would be moments of happiness but going out on a date was a complete gamble. Most of the time dating just left me feeling so lonely and empty. Then food started making me feel lonely and empty and I couldn’t escape. It was a repeated pattern – and for anyone who doesn’t believe in binge eating as an eating disorder, trust me, it is so real.
So here I am. I haven’t been able to find a partner and my dreams of the wedding; beautiful homes and two lovely kids are not happening.
I want to be a Mom but I’m scared as hell because I don’t even know how I am going to financially afford to be a Mom. I don’t even know how I am going to deal with all of the stress when I don’t have a partner to hand my baby off to at the end of the day.
So yes, to everyone who thinks that I am a brave woman, I am. Most of the time, I know 99% I can do this. There are just steps in the process that make me look at myself and look at my life and this is one that I don’t like at all.
When I press “buy” I am confirming that my dream is dead.
Yes, I may find someone later, but for now, I have to realize that my dream of having a baby with a partner is dead.
This is the real reason why I can’t find a sperm donor.
I know that people don’t see me as a failure and that there will be messages reminding me that I am enough but this whole journey really makes you dig deep and examine your strength as a person.
For the people who keep saying I am so lucky to have a choice, I am but my options are not the options I want.
Option 1: Use someone so that I can be a Mom
Option 2: Become a single Mom.
Option 3: Don’t have a baby.
What the hell are those options? I am making the best choice with what I have but honestly, I really just wish I had a partner with me this whole time. And yes, I am fully aware that some partners are horrible to have around. Sometimes, it is easier to have kids without a partner BUT I still want that dream. Some of you reading this do have the most wonderful partners because I have seen it and it really does exist.
For some, the process of finding a sperm donor is empowering and easy. For me, it has been a really low point in my life where someone is holding up a mirror to me and saying “this is your life. You don’t have a partner. Put on your big girl pants and deal with it.” It’s tough to process and for a super emotional person who loves love so much, this has been really hard.
So I am going to give myself a break, feel all the feels and not pressure myself into finding my donor sperm because this process doesn’t begin until the Spring. I am sure it will happen soon but for right now it just feels like it is too much. In the meantime, I promise to keep practising self-care and to remind myself that I am enough – with or without a man.