It was 9:30 a.m. and the sun was already beating down on me. I had just stepped out of my apartment and I could see my Mom rounding the corner with a huge smile on her face.
“Today is the day” she said as she gave me a hug. “How are you feeling?” she asked.
“Incredibly nervous and super excited” I said with a smile.
I ordered an Uber and we stood outside in the heat talking about what we had been up to the past couple of days. When the Uber arrived, I felt relieved to just sit down. Had no idea I’d be this nervous to go to my first ultrasound at 8 weeks. My legs felt like jelly and it was nice to just sit down and relax.
Our drive was bumpy and my Mom was telling me all about going out for dinner the other night and the server that they had.
“You know. The dinner was exceptional but I think it may have been the servers first time serving.”
I couldn’t concentrate on what she was saying. Instead I was watching the time, watching how the Uber driver was darting inbetween traffic, and I was just trying to focus on my breathing in order to stay as calm as possible.
“What would you like from Starbucks?” my sister J texted me. She was kind enough to make sure that she changed her day at the office so that she could come with us. She had been to so many appointments and it was so beautiful that she could come to this one.
“Just water” I said feeling so thirsty.
The Uber driver finally dropped us off at the fertility clinic and I was excited to show my Mom that this was the place I had been attending for almost a year. It was also a place where I went for about 30 appointments over that time.
“This is it” I proudly said to my Mom.
We went into the elevator and I pressed seven. “This is really starting to feel real” I said. “It also makes me somewhat sad as this will most likely be the last time I come to this clinic.”
When the elevator doors opened nobody was in the waiting room.
“This is so odd” I said to the receptionist. “Where is everyone? It is a weekday.”
“It is eerily quiet right now” she said with a laugh.
My Mom and I sat down for a couple minutes before I was told that I could get changed into a hospital gown. My Mom got to come with me and suddenly all of the places in the fertility clinic that I had described in my blog were coming to life for my Mom.
“This is where I sat when the women all coached me on what to do before my first ultrasound” I said.
“I am here! Where do I go?” texted my sister J.
My Mom knew she would get lost if she went to find J so I just went out in my hospital gown.
“This is so exciting” she said as she followed me into the room with the hospital gowns.
“Sarah?” asked the nurse. “Have you had a chance to use the restroom?”
“I will go right now” I said remembering that every time before an ultrasound I had to empty my bladder.
“Your family can follow me” she instructed to my Mom and sister.
“They get to actually go in?” I asked.
“Of course” she said.
It was so exciting walking into the room with the nurse, the ultrasound equipment and seeing both my Mom and sister sitting on chairs.
“Are you ready?” asked the nurse.
“Great it is an internal ultrasound” I laughed. There is nothing like something going inside of you as you look at your Mom and sister.
“Take her picture” instructed my Mom to my sister. “We need to remember this.”
“Really?” asked my sister laughing.
“Of course” I said with a smile.
The probe was inside of me and my Mom, sister and I just started catching up about various family members and how everyone was doing. I could hear that the nurse was taking pictures and it was taking a bit of time.
From what I had heard from other people regarding ultrasounds, the nurse would not say anything so I didn’t expect to hear or see anything.
“Do you want to look?” asked the nurse.
My Mom and sister stood up and came closer to the screen. I stared closely at the screen.
“Is there a baby in there?” I asked. “Please just tell me a baby is in there and that the baby is okay.”
“Look at this” said the nurse. “If you look close enough you can see the heartbeat flashing on the screen.”
I saw it.
It was beautiful but also made me feel something I did not expect – absolute and total fear.
This was not like the movies. I was supposed to have my belly out and we were supposed to hear the heatbeat. We were supposed to all scream with excitement and I was supposed to start crying tears of joy.
It wasn’t happening.
Instead, I felt this intense feeling of protection.
When I first told people that I was pregnant, they would say “congrats Mama” and I didn’t get it. Yes I had something instead of me, but I totally didn’t feel like a Mama.
Now, looking at this heartbeat I finally felt like a Mama. It was a feeling of so much joy but it also felt like all of this weight being added to my shoulders.
Things were changing.
There was no denying it. I was no longer single independent Sarah anymore. I was a Mama who was going to do anything for that little baby. My needs didn’t matter anymore because all I cared about was making sure that little one was protected. I was going to sacrifice and do anything so that I could to be the best Mama that I could to that little heartbeat.
With that image on the screen my life had completely changed. I was now responsible for something so great and now every single decision in my life would be made thinking of that little heartbeat before my own wants and needs.
“Here are the pictures” said the nurse printing out the pictures of the ultrasound.
“Thanks” I said laughing at how there was really not that much to see in the image.
Yet one thing was for certain – that tiny little seed had a heartbeat and my life was transforming infront of me. I would do absolutely anything for that little seed.
After being in the room we saw my fertility doctor and I thanked her for everything.
“You are now graduating from the clinic” she said.
“I feel like I need a graduation song” I said thinking of Vitamin C’s graduation song that plays at literally every graduation of life.
“Do you want me to play a song on my phone? “asked the other nurse in the room.
“It’s okay” I laughed. I knew that even the words by Vitamin C would be too much at that moment. It was super emotional and I knew that I’d burst into tears.
Mount Sinai Fertility made me feel at home for the past year and it made me so sad (and happy) to be leaving and graduating from the clinic. The nurses had helped answer every single question I had ever had. They had called me and given me life-changing news. My fertility doctor (Dr. Jones) was also the most compassionate, empathetic, intelligent woman. She always had this calming nature and was there to support me through everything.
As my sister, Mom, and I all left I couldn’t help but notice that the waiting room in the fertility clinic was completely full. There were hardly any seats available.
My heart sunk and I just wanted to reach out to everyone there.
I also felt guilty that I was holding pictures of an ultrasound and that other couples had been trying so hard and for so long without their pictures just yet.
“Magic happens here” I thought. “Don’t give up.”
We pressed the elevator to go down to G and I couldn’t help but become very sentimental about leaving a place that gave me so much.
Thank you Mount Sinai for everything and thank you for giving me a little heartbeat inside of me. I promise to make all decisions based on what is right for the little one and to be the best Mama that I can possibly be.