I feel like a total fraud.
For the past month I have kept a secret because I haven’t known how to process the information. A month ago, at my ultrasound I learned that I am pregnant with twins.
The ultrasound picture that I posted is one of Twin A. I just wasn’t ready to share the information that I had two babies.
Normally this would be a very exciting occasion but both my fertility doctor and myself were trying our absolute best to avoid twins. In fact, there was only a 15-20% chance of having twins and I am considered one of the “lucky ones.”
Upon hearing the news, there was a lot of shock. My Mom and sister turned to me to see how they should respond. Should they be happy? Should they cry? Should they swear?
I just sat there speechless looking at the heartbeats of two of my babies. I didn’t respond in any way.
“I am trying to take my lead from you in how to respond” said my sister. “It’s really hard because I don’t know how to react.”
Everyone knows that I am a very expressive person – through my facial reactions and through my words one can always tell how I am feeling. There are times where I have wished that I could hide things but I haven’t been able to – until now.
After being with the ultrasound technician it was time to see my fertility doctor. She started talking to me and apologized for the tears coming from her eyes. I just kept saying “help.” I took so much comfort from her knowing that she was a human and had emotions. It is one of my favourite moments because she gave me exactly what I needed in that moment and I love and respect her so much.
After a lot of testing and a lot of counselling, it has become evident that for the health of my babies as well as the health of myself, I have to let one of my babies go.
I have been crying every day for one month straight. In fact, as I write this I have had to take many breaks.
I promised myself that I would be open and true about the entire process of pregnancy and I just can’t keep it in any longer.
I thought the procedure was happening on Thursday but it was just an appointment to look at the health of the two babies and my health. It took 5.5 hours in length and I didn’t realize that I wasn’t having the procedure on that day until the last minute.
My procedure is happening this week and there is a 5% chance that I will lose both babies. My pregnancy has now moved from low risk (where the wait time is about 1 hour to see a doctor) to high risk (where the waiting time is 4-6 hours to see a doctor).
I can count on two hands the number of people I have told this information to and absolutely everyone has warned me that sharing this may not be the best thing to do.
Yet I feel it is so important.
For many people, pregnancy is not this beautiful thing where everything goes according to plan. For many, pregnancy involves a series of tests, statistics, and experts explaining really complex medical terms to you. For me, it has meant 1-2 appointments every week because they have to monitor my health and the health of my babies. It has been scary and it has been a lot to surrender to having no control in this process.
It has involved such a mix of emotions. One minute I am so happy and laughing at myself throwing up yet again. While in the other minute, I am starting the process to grieve the loss of my baby. How do you even grieve the loss of a baby that you don’t get a chance to meet?
I promise to write about all of these things but I am just not there yet. I am just trying to put one foot infront of the other and trying to get through this difficult time.
The last thing I need from anyone is any judgement because you don’t know the details about my health or the health of either of my babies. This was not a choice I got to make. There was absolutely no choice – I need to say goodbye to my baby.
If you have ever gone through this or if someone you know has gone through this, I feel you and I see you and I am so sorry you had to go through this. This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through (way harder than my divorce).
If you know me personally, please know that I can’t talk about this without falling apart in tears. I hope there will be a time where I can discuss this without crying uncontrollably but that moment has not happened yet.
I am also in complete awe of women. Women are so amazingly strong. One of the women we met in the high risk clinic had been there for 12 hours. She had seen her low risk OB that day and was transferred to a high risk OB within the same day. She just sat there waiting with her 10 year old daughter and her one year old daughter and had no help. She was there alone.
There will be a time where I write about the things I have seen but it is a little too hard right now. Please know that I am honestly doing okay and that I have been through so much counselling (from both my counsellor and the hospital) and I am honestly handling this as well as can be expected. The support system I have is absolutely amazing and despite everything that is happening, I feel really blessed.
I have also realized that I am a strong woman. My strength has been tested over the years but trying to get pregnant, getting pregnant and dealing with all of this has really tested my strength. By next week I will be on the other side of this and it will be okay.
I promise to share more with you when the time is right but emotionally I am not prepared to explain all of the details and everything surrounding my health and the health of my babes. Just know that everything should all be “okay” within the week. Thank you for your support and understanding and I hope nobody ever has to go through this xoxoxo