Can I Please Stop Time Now?

Right after this picture was taken, my brother in law and Dad made fun of me and made my sis take a pic of them creating a heart on their belly too.

When I first got pregnant, I didn’t know if my pregnancy would be successful. There were so many complications and when I was put into the “high-risk” category, I was really worried that I wouldn’t actually get to meet my little one.

I also had some friends go through miscarriages and I figured that if it happened to them, it would happen to me.

My pregnancy became all about survival. Survival for my little one and survival for myself.

I spent so many days throwing up, sleeping, staying in bed, feeling like absolute crap, spotting, etc. I tried my absolute best to stay positive during this time but pregnancy was really rough.

Then the third trimester hit.

It’s almost as though the hallelujah chorus began to play because at this time, I could finally see the light.

Sure I was developing new symptoms – recurrent nosebleeds, nausea in the morning, spots when I stood up too quickly, sugar lows and highs – but I was also experiencing pure bliss. I started to feel the baby kick ALL the time. I finally knew that he was okay and developed an attachment to him. I started to feel like I was losing it, because at times I would even talk to him. 

My bump also got bigger in size and random people began asking when I was due. I could feel my face light up when I said “Feb. 19th, 2020.” 

I also started finding a mommy tribe. I’d start conversations in the elevator/in the grocery store with pregnant women or with women who just had babies. I became determined to make new mommy friends where we could support one another through this time.

I also celebrated Christmas feeling happier than I ever have. Although I have always loved Christmas, it could sometimes be a time of loneliness for me. This year was so different as I felt the little one kick through all of the festivities. 

After Christmas, we celebrated my shower (I will write about this next week), and I was completely spoiled. After each gift I opened, becoming a mom felt more and more real.

Before I left my hometown after Christmas, I reorganized the room for the baby and just sat down on the bed (because my energy level is ridiculous) but it also allowed me time to think. The next time I would be coming to this space, I would have a little one in my arms. OH MY GOD.

Then New Year’s Eve hit and I went to a family party and danced the night away (taking copious breaks) celebrating the fact that this was going to be my last NYE where I would probably stay up until midnight and be able to leave my house.

“Happy 2020” people kept saying. “Your baby will be born this year.”

“AHHHHHHHHHHH.” Then it hit – my baby is coming in a matter of weeks.

Now it is feeling soooo real.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and for the first time in this pregnancy, I want to yell “STOP.”

Every night when I go to sleep now I wonder “will this be the night I go into labour?” Yes, I am only 33 weeks but I am watching as some of my friends that are due in Feb have already had their babies and it is freaking me out.

At my last OB appointment, I was handed a document called “My Birth Plan.” I was asked to figure out who would cut the cord, give skin to skin if I wasn’t available, come into the room if I needed a C-Section, etc. It completely freaked me out. Had I planned this far ahead? NO. For most of the answers, I just wrote “anyone.” The nurse can be the first one to put on the diaper – it’s not a big deal to me.

I am taking in all of the sleep I can get right now and enjoying every single minute of it. I am soaking up as much time to myself as I can have. Every time I attend a movie by myself I think “this may be the last movie I get to see on my own.”

Now my fears about losing the baby have turned into fears about labour and the health of my baby when he is born. I keep trying to control the process but have zero control. I feel terrible having my sister and Mom on standby just waiting for my phone call to ask them to be there with me.

I just want to stop time right now.

Pregnancy felt like it was lasting forever and now it feels like I will be meeting my little one in no time. Am I really ready? Is anyone ever really ready?

On the outside, I may look ready (things are organized for the most part) but on the inside, I have no idea what to expect and it is freaking me the F out. 

I keep reading Mom blogs and birthing stories and have decided that I just need to stop. The more information I have, the more anxiety I develop.

So now I am surrendering. I have no control and for someone with anxiety, this is the most complex task in life. I feel like I’m about to have a huge exam and I have not prepared for it, yet here I am. You know those dreams where you are writing a test, haven’t studied and wake up in a sweat? That is me right now.

Overall, this pregnancy has challenged me in so many ways (physically and emotionally) and continues to challenge me in new ways every day. It is totally getting me prepared for motherhood and the lack of control that comes with it. Every time I feel like things are under control, something new comes up and challenges me in a new way. Shout out to everyone who has gone through this. Fertility, pregnancy, and motherhood require a whole new version of bravery that I was not prepared to have.

I feel like after this blog is done, the universe is going to mock me and I am going to go into labour. Haha! We shall see what happens but just know that I am taking it all in and savouring all of this time right now because things are about to change in the most exciting, challenging and beautiful way possible. 

And if “Cats” is the last movie I have seen by myself, I am going to be really depressed.

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