Six days before my grandmother passed away she met her great-grandson, Max.
My goal this week was to write a blog about my birth story and I will still do that. Unfortunately, I just don’t have it in me to write that blog just yet.
My grandmother passed away on Friday morning at 5:15 a.m.
Many of you may remember my very first blog post on sarahseekingbaby because it was all about my grandmother.
It was Easter Sunday four years ago and she remarked that she was so “sad” that I was “so good with kids but would never be a mother.”
Growing up with my grandmother was everything. We loved our days being with her and my grandfather and looked forward to eating Tim Horton’s donuts, watching game shows, enjoying her amazing food, and watching as everyone called her/stopped by. Everyone adored her.
After her stroke, my grandmother changed and said whatever was on her mind.
It was hard to watch her transition from being so kind and generous to her being very blunt and often times insensitive.
After my divorce, I was in such a fragile state and every time she said how she felt (and I wonder if it was actually how she even felt), I would become so upset. Before long, I was crying every time I spent time with her and needed a break. Everyone else could just let her words roll off them but I couldn’t. I just loved her so much and wanted to make her proud. I kept feeling like I was letting her down.
When I came back to her after our break, I felt so much stronger and my Grandma never said anything to hurt me again. She actually did the exact opposite – she accepted the fact that I was becoming a single mom and using a sperm donor. She just wanted to meet the donor but we told her it wasn’t possible.
We said Max could meet his donor when he turns 18, but she just didn’t seem to get it. It was also asking so much of her. What 89-year-old fully understands that her grandaughter is Single Mother by Choice?
Somehow though, she fully accepted everything and loved seeing me pregnant.
She always thought I should become a Mom and it meant everything that I was actually doing it. It just wasn’t the way we had both planned.
Last Thursday I was admitted into the hospital with Max. We were in our hometown and on Saturday my grandmother was also at the same hospital because she was having eye surgery.
“How do you feel about your grandmother visiting Max?” my mother wondered as she packed her things from my hospital room in order to be with grandma.
I looked at Max in his incubator looking bright yellow from jaundice but something in me told me to make sure this meeting happened.
“She can meet him” I said.
On Friday afternoon, my Grandma was wheeled in by my Mom in her wheelchair and upon seeing me, she lit up.
She was so happy to meet Max and wanted to hold him.
Unfortunately, her arms were too weak for him to hold him. Instead, I took Max out of the incubator and held him close to Grandma so that she could see him.
“This is Max” I said to my Grandma.
“Awww…..he is so cute” she said.
My Mom grabbed her phone and captured the moment. I will forever be so thankful that she caught this moment on camera.
My grandma spent the half-hour visit alternating between looking at me and looking at Max.
I like to think that even though she was weak and confused, she could see that Max made me the happiest woman in the world. Now my grandma could finally see that I was amazing with kids and that absolutely nothing could ever stop me from my dream of becoming a Mom.
Thank you so much for your support and well wishes. They have meant the world.
See you next week xoxoxo