Once Max was born, people asked me if I was going to change the name of this blog to something else. I was no longer “seeking a baby.” I had my amazing little boy. But what would I call it?
This blog originally started out because of a meeting with a friend/literary agent where we realized that this story – a woman on her own having a baby, needed to be told. There were only a few books out there at the time about being a single mom by choice. I was to produce a manuscript and get a social media following (in order to be able to better sell the possible book).
I did write half a manuscript but stopped because something didn’t feel right. I found myself constantly changing my mind as to whether or not I should share my story.
I also found myself getting so much out of just connecting with people via my blog/Instagram.
Up until I temporarily disabled my Instagram account (two weeks ago) I received anywhere from 25-50 emails/direct messages daily. It was less about writing a book and more about being able to answer people’s personalized questions. That was really all I wanted to do – help others.
My blog and Instagram kept me sane through a very difficult pregnancy. It allowed me to connect to people while bed ridden. I felt like I was receiving far more than I was giving.
People were not only coming to me for support but they were actually rooting for me. They wanted me to have a baby and were so excited for me.
After Max was born there was a shift.
The first issue was that I no longer had enough time to devote to Instagram/my blog. Max required all of my attention and my inbox was becoming too much for me to handle. I could no longer send messages to so-and-so’s cousin who was debating becoming a single mom by choice and I didn’t have the time to explain the entire process of an IUI to a married woman needing to use a donor. I started feeling terrible that I couldn’t help everyone.
I also found that my greatest quality – being sensitive was now becoming my greatest downfall.
Yes it took me no time to emotionally connect to people but it also was too hard to emotionally disconnect to any negativity I was receiving via social media.
I had heard of “mommy shamers” before, but hadn’t experienced it. Before long, I started to get messages telling me that I was doing things wrong (such as holding Max the wrong way and developing a poor sleep routine).
Recently when I would see that I had a message, my first instinct was to panic because I was afraid that I was going to be judged for something.
There was no way that I was cut out for the life of Instagram.
After having Max, something also stayed in the back of my mind.
When I first started everything, a woman had said that she thought it wasn’t right that I was talking about my child when he was too young to have a voice of his own.
Now, when I look down at Max’s innocent face, I can’t help but wonder if I am writing way too much and that other people will know all of the details of his story before he has a chance to learn about everything himself.
I was debating disabling my account when someone wrote on an Instagram picture and shared my full name and my former married name (from years ago) on my public account. I instantly deleted it but knew many had already seen it.
Although I have shared pictures and personal details about my life, I had never released my last name. It made me feel as though everything was not completely public knowledge.
There were also a couple messages that were sent on that same day where it was clear the person(s) following me was/were not following me because they supported me.
I temporarily disabled my account and wanted to make sure I thought about everything before I shut everything down.
Sarahseekingbaby has been so much of my identity and it allowed me to connect with so many people – especially incredible people on their own trying-to-conceive journey.
I just know in my gut it is time to move on. I need to protect my son and the lines are so blurred being a teacher and exposing myself too much.
It also makes me nervous knowing anyone will know Max’s face and can track him down. I totally respect other mama’s who feature their kids on their public social media but I have become an anxious and protective mama. This is especially true now that I have moved to a smaller town.
I just know in my gut that it is time to close this chapter.
This will be my last blog.
The point of this post today is to tell you that both Max and I are doing really well (several people reached out when I temporarily disabled my account and asked about us), and to thank you for everything.
Thank you for being there when I first started this journey and doubted myself on a daily basis.
Thank you for being there with me when my first fertility procedure didn’t work.
Thank you for sharing so much love and happiness when I found out I was expecting.
Thank you for being there when I became very ill throughout my pregnancy and dealt with so much loneliness.
Thank you for answering all of my questions about pregnancy, motherhood, what products to buy, etc.
Thank you for showing so much support when I doubted that I could do this without a father in the picture.
Thank you for being there for Max and for celebrating in his birth.
Thank you for being there when I started struggling with my new postpartum life.
Thank you for being there as I have become the Mom I always hoped I would be.
You have no idea the impact all of your messages have had on me. There have been about 20,000 of you amazing people who have been with me along the way. I can honestly say that I don’t know where I would be without all of you.
I know in my heart that this chapter is now closed. It’s such a mixture of emotions and maybe someday I will write again. As for now, I just want to be the best mom I can possibly be and give all of the energy (not much these days) to my son.
Thank you for being there and for helping me as my dream became my reality. I love you.
It is time to officially say goodbye to this blog and to my social media presence as Sarahseekingbaby has officially found her baby.