I could be writing this blog post as a pregnant woman. AHHHH! In one week I will know if my second IUI (sperm inside the uterus) worked.
After my first IUI, I had a feeling in my gut that it didn’t work. I really wondered how I could possibly get pregnant when I spent days before/during/after trying to avoid panic attacks.
My thought patterns went something like this:
Positive Inner Voice: I have a pain in my stomach. I must google it. I could be pregnant.
Negative Inner Voice: There is no way that you are pregnant or that you are ready to be pregnant. How much money have you saved? Do you really think you can do it on your own? If you are obese the chances of you getting pregnant reduce. Why didn’t you lose some weight before trying to conceive?
Positive Inner Voice: I will take each day as it comes. I feel like I am having signs of pregnancy. I will make sure I am active as possible during my pregnancy.
Negative: Those are not signs. The chance of you getting pregnant is so small. You are not emotionally or physically ready for this.
Every moment would be an internal battle and I couldn’t catch a break.
Why is it that most of these conversations took place in my head just before trying to sleep? I’d keep the television on trying to drown out the sound of my thoughts but nothing was working.
I also wanted to just be by myself. I stayed inside and read as many psychological thrillers as I could get my hands on. I’d look through the summary of the novels making sure the novel didn’t involve pregnancy or a baby because I just couldn’t deal with the subject matter.
During the two week wait the first time, I didn’t have one sip of alcohol and checked google to make sure I could eat certain things (“can I put goat cheese in a salad” or “can I eat babybels?”) If google suggested I avoid it, I completely eliminated it from my diet.
In that two week span, I was so hard on myself and promised myself that if I were to ever have a two week wait again, I would do things much differently.
Enter my two week wait this time.
This has seemed like a honeymoon compared to the last IUI two week wait.
The negative inner voice still appears but does so at a less alarming rate. My positive inner voice is usually louder and can really challenge the negativity.
So far I have had two glasses of wine and one can of cider during my two week wait. I am also trying my best at staying in the moment and enjoying the process as much as I can.
I’ve also gotten out of the house. When I am not out with a friend/friends, I have forced myself to get outside. I’ve been walking a lot more and have seen A LOT of movies over the last bit. In fact, I have seen “Booksmart”, “Aladdin”, “The Hustle”, and “Rocketman.” The movies have allowed me to escape my own thoughts and to rest. Plus, if I do become pregnant, I have a feeling I won’t have as much time to go to the movies by myself. I am really embracing these special moments.
Last time when I found out I wasn’t pregnant my eyes became a little teary for a moment but I didn’t cry. This time I have a feeling that if the news is negative, it will be a lot harder on me. Everything just feels so right this time.
The next blog entry promises to be very emotional. It will either be a very exciting post or it will be a really honest post about what it feels like to go through two IUI’s without getting pregnant.
Some have asked “what will you do next if you don’t get pregnant this round? Will you go for your third IUI?”
I am really torn when answering that question because thanks to my period tracking app, I know I’ll be ovulating on the exact date that I will be away with my girlfriends for a cottage weekend. Everything in me tells me that I need to get the hell away. I have worked so hard to make money for fertility and then have gone through a lot emotionally through these two IUI’s. All I want is some time with friends two hours away.
One of my friends suggested just coming back on the day that I am ovulating but it is not that easy. Unfortunately just before each of my IUI’s (which can be different for other people), I have spent every morning at the fertility clinic for a couple days straight waiting to find out the exact date of the IUI. I don’t want to keep leaving the fun with my friends (and driving two hours there and back) so that I can be monitored.
So if it doesn’t work, I will most likely take a break.
I am going to allow myself time to just feel everything and I know that my gut will tell me what to do next.
Why am I thinking like that because everything in me is telling me that it worked and that I am pregnant. Now I may look like a fool next blog entry and I am prepared to admit that I was wrong if I need to.
Fingers crossed I can share some really exciting news next week!