My Favourite Things

Every year around Christmas time, I get so excited to see Oprah’s Favourite Things. She used to do this on her television show but now does it in her magazine. She outlines her favourite products as gifts for the holidays but I usually can’t afford almost all of them. It’s so nice to look through the beautiful things though.

Since Christmas is just around the corner, I thought I’d create a list of my favourite things that I have used during my pregnancy. Some were given as gifts and some I just bought myself. Please know that I am not any type of influencer so I haven’t been paid by ANY of these companies to show you any of this.

These are just my favourite products and some are pregnancy-related and some are not. Hopefully, you will find something in here to give to a pregnant friend, a Mama, or just something to buy for yourself.

These are the products that have put a smile on my face even after vomiting for a lot of my pregnancy. Haha! These are also in no particular order.

  1. A Subscription Service

Throughout my pregnancy, I have spent a lot of time (especially in my first trimester) watching television. One of my friends bought me a subscription to Amazon Prime Originals and I absolutely love it! Ask around and see what subscription service the soon-to-be-mama does not have. Netflix, Crave, Amazon, Hayu (Reality TV), Apple TV, and Disney Plus, are great ideas. 

  1. Uber Eats

Now I would suggest getting a meal-delivery kit but during my first two trimesters, most foods made me gag. It took everything in me to eat and at one point the OB suggested that I just eat whatever I was craving because I couldn’t keep anything down. I had so many food aversions (especially to any form of meat). Plus, I was getting sick so much that preparing a meal became an arduous task. 

One of my friends gave me a gift certificate to uber eats (you can send an e-card online) and it was so nice! Most places all over the world have uber eats but just google it and double-check that it is in your area. You could also buy a giftcard to Foodora and/or Skipthedishes as well.

  1. Maternity Shirt from GAP

The other day I was at the Diabetes Clinic and I walked by a woman who was wearing the same shirt as me. We instantly stopped in the hallway and discussed how much we loved the shirt. They have very low stock of it at GAP right now so if it isn’t available, try something with the same material.

The material is so soft and we both said that it has been our most favourite shirt to wear while pregnant. You feel like you are wearing the softest pyjamas of life.

  1. Pyjamas, Robe, and/or Slippers from GAP

I keep buying these pyjamas for everyone (pregnant Mamas and my family/friends). Search out the material called “modal.” The material is a LIFE CHANGER. It is the softest material that I have ever worn in my life.

They have the modal material for t-shirts, lounge pants, robes, and pyjamas. 

Just buy them. They will be the softest thing you ever own. I will give you a warning though, they are not flattering. If possible buy them in dark colours because the light colours show everything. If you care more about comfort and less about pyjamas that flatter your body, these are the ones to buy.

  1. Old Navy Rockstar Jeans

When I was pregnant, my sister bought me a pair of these jeans and I fell in love. They also have them in “tall” if you are 5’10 like me. They come in three different panels (I had no idea what this meant when I was first pregnant). It basically refers to where you want the elastic band to be. Do you want your belly fully covered, somewhat covered or not really covered at all?

Right now I am wearing the “full panel” because it covers my entire stomach. I found that this meant they were less likely to fall down. If you don’t want to spend a lot of money on jeans, wait for these to go on sale (sometimes at half price). They have just the right amount of spandex in them to be stylish and comfortable.

  1. Why Am I So Obsessed with Lotion?

I have never been so obsessed with lotion in my life. My skin is dry AF and I don’t know if it is just because of the winter weather or if my pregnancy has changed my skin. Normally, I just lather on Nivea Body Lotion (for extra dry skin), but now I want something a little stronger.

At night, I use Palmer’s Stretch Mark Lotion (it was an amazing gift from a friend). I am not really sure if it is helping my stretch marks to disappear as I have spotted some. It just feels really good on my belly. 

I am also obsessed with different hand creams and received some as a gift that I adore. Highly recommend using these as a special treat.

  1. Fab Fit Fun Box or Self Care Box

After my friend had her baby, I signed up for FabFitFun and sent her the box in the mail. She called in tears and said it was the perfect gift. Use a different email address and find a really good deal so that it doesn’t cost you too much. They advertise that it is $49.99 but that is in the U.S. and you also have to pay for shipping. It can soon turn into something like $89.00. Just be sure to get a deal. FabFitFun has a bunch of full-size products in a box so it actually becomes a very substantial gift.


This was by far the best gift I received during my pregnancy. My friend created this amazing box with all of her favourite items (her own FabFitFun box). She put together her essential items that helped her through her pregnancy. Now, this gift was massive and you don’t need to do something this complex. Just create some sort of self-care package – face masks, magazines, lotions, etc.

  1. Gift Cards

Although I do have benefits for some things through my work, I have already gone through most of my allocated allowances for some of these amazing things (chiro/massage). I highly recommend giving a gift card for a chiropractor (I see mine weekly right now because of sciatica), massages (there are so many weird pains throughout the body while pregnant), facials, and manicures/pedicures.

If you don’t know what the person may want, you can always go with a WaySpa gift card (available for a lot of different spas). Before you buy a Wayspa gift card, google the places you can use it. I know in Toronto there are a lot of good places but I have googled it in smaller towns and they don’t have a great list. So if you know of a place the mama-to-be loves, get a gift card to that specific place to allow her to do some pampering.

  1. Lounge Pants

My friend sent me these and we can’t stop texting one another about how much we love these. When I first started asking people for maternity clothing suggestions, this was at the top of the list. 

These lounge pants are the best because they are soft and they have a panel that will hide your bump at any stage. You can decide how much of your bump you want to cover up. You can even decide to not have it cover up anything.

These are also supposed to make great hospital pants, postpartum pants because they are so comfortable and can be covering as much/as little (depending on a c-section or a natural delivery) of your stomach as possible.

  1. Survival Kit

This is different from the self-care kit because it contains everything that you may need that has to deal with the medical side of things.

I highly recommend buying Tylenol, Benadryl (I took it for my cold), Kleenex, Tums, Preparation H, Nipple Cream, Adult Underwear, Stretch Mark Cream, Imodium, Lotion, and Lip Chap. If you want to make it even more special, buy a cute little hospital bag to put all of these items in. These are all items that I have used/will be using during my pregnancy/delivery.

  1. Expecting Better by Emily Oster

Pregnant Mamas talk about this book all the time. During pregnancy, most women start to become a little anxious (or a lot anxious if you are me). Can I drink a glass of champagne at a wedding? Can I drink coffee? What are the chances of me having a miscarriage?  Can I colour my hair? All of these questions are outlined in this book. I found that if I googled the questions, there were so many answers and about 99.9% of the answers were on the conservative side. 

This book takes in a lot of research and looks at what is recommended today. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.

  1. Pregnancy Journal, Baby Book, or Picture Frame of Ultrasound

Be careful with this one because you don’t want the mama to be to receive too many of these. You also may want to get her this as soon as she announces she is pregnant (before she buys one of her own). 

Find something that is gender-neutral and spend the extra money to make it a really special book.

My sister got me a Pregnancy Journal Book that I absolutely adore. Throughout my pregnancy, I have tracked everything and have attached so many amazing pictures. I have heard that once the baby comes, it is really hard to track everything and that this can seem time-consuming. Nevertheless, I bought myself a book from MushyBooks. I can’t say enough about this Canadian company because they make books for couples, same-sex parents, single moms, etc. They recognize that the term “family” is changing and I have a special page in my book that has my donor’s information.

  1. Gift Card for Maternity Clothes

You still want to look presentable during your pregnancy which is why you may want to spend a bit of money on maternity clothes.

Just before the first snowfall, my sister presented me with this amazing maternity jacket for my birthday. It is from Motherhood Maternity and I have fallen in love with it. It has an extra flap that you can put in when the bump gets bigger. There are so many coats that can make you feel like a snowman because it is so baggy but this coat makes me feel amazing.

  1. Something Sentimental

The other night my colleagues/friends presented me with this beautiful ornament. It took everything in me not to cry. When I texted my sister about it, she showed me an ornament she received from her mother-in-law just before she gave birth. An ornament doesn’t have to be too costly, but it so sweet and will always remind me of this Christmas just before my little baby was born.

  1. Mama Shirt/Sweatshirt

As soon as I was pregnant, I wanted one of these shirts. I am so proud of being a Mama that I love to wear my shirt all the time.

There are so many amazing companies on Etsy that make things like this. You can even search Instagram for some amazing companies that make these as well.

When I started seeing people I follow wearing the “Mama Collection”, I suddenly wanted to purchase things. I was totally influenced but this brand is legit. The clothes are so soft and they are made in London, Ontario.

  1. Pretty By Her – To Make Her Laugh

I also found this amazing company on Instagram and soon fell in love with everything that Kelly makes.  

If you know of someone pregnant, this is the ultimate card to get.

Kelly sells hilarious cards, mugs, candles, etc., that are the perfect gift. Her products aren’t just for Mamas and the quality of her products is amazing.

  1. Leggings

Finding the perfect legging is tough. For this reason, I am going to give you four brands that I see popping up again and again.

  1. Blanqui (more expensive but have heard it is worth the price).
  2. Lululemon Align (people swear by these).
  3. Aerie Leggings (over the past month I have fallen in love with everything from Aerie. These are the leggings that I bought and they feel so soft. I love these so much so watch for sales (especially when they are 50% off).
  4. Old Navy Compression Leggings (people say amazing things about these as well).

I never thought I’d be the person in leggings all the time, but here I am. Don’t worry – I wear really long things to make sure my butt is covered at all times).

Leggings are just perfect to wear (especially for pregnancy/postpartum) because your body is constantly changing and so many times things don’t fit. You also want to be comfortable during pregnancy because your body is going through so much. Buy an oversized sweater (or sweatshirt, tunics from Old Navy, etc), and you can still feel pretty while having so little control over your body.

So hopefully those suggestions can really help people. Is there a product you loved but don’t see it listed? Please place it below in the comments because then everyone can see what you have written.

I also tried to make this a top 10 list but couldn’t narrow it down.

Thank you again for all of your support throughout my journey. It has been so lovely connecting with so many of you through Facebook, Instagram, or via the comments on here. 

I will be taking the next two weeks off to really enjoy the holiday with my friends and family and will be returning January 5th. By then, I am sure that I will have many stories to tell you.

Little Health Update:

In terms of my little one, he is 3.5 lbs and is measuring perfectly at 31 weeks (he is in the 50th percentile). He is kicking like crazy but I don’t mind it at all (well at least so far). My pregnancy is really starting to feel real especially because during my research ultrasound this week, I got to see his face. So crazy. I wasn’t sure if he looked like an alien or cute baby so I just went with a cute baby. When I sent the picture to my sister she said “well that is something.”

In terms of my health, I am finally feeling better. I usually have two appointments per week and my gestational diabetes is completely in check. So far, all of my numbers have been good and they don’t think I will have to go on insulin throughout my pregnancy.

I have been told that I will either go into labour or have my induction by Feb. 19th 2020 (because of gestational diabetes). I have no idea what waits ahead but I am trying my best to go with the flow.

I am also not throwing up anymore which is AMAZING. I just feel nauseous every morning and have still been sleeping a lot. I make sure to go for walks every day and my sciatica continues to get better. Seeing a chiropractor and booking massages have really helped my sciatica which is incredible.

My OB still won’t allow me to go back to work because it triggers my spotting, high blood pressure, gestational diabetes, nausea, high blood pressure, vasovagal (fainting) episodes, so I am still at home relaxing as much as possible. Being home has been the greatest gift because although I am bored as hell, it has allowed me to really put my baby and my health first.

Wishing everyone an amazing holiday and a Happy New Year! 2020 is going to be one amazing year!

All I Want for Christmas is a Dad?

While walking home from my OB appointment I couldn’t believe how cold it was. I tucked into the mall to take a shortcut back to my apartment.

A little girl caught my eye – she about eight years old.  She was wearing beautiful black shoes, white tights, and a beautiful sparkly black dress. Her mother was by her side holding her jacket and they were about to go into the bookstore. 

“Mom, do you know what I really want for Christmas?” she asked.

I couldn’t help the smile from appearing on my face. It was just such a magical time of year and I really wondered what she was going to say.

“A Dad” she said.

I froze and could feel my eyes widen. I was not expecting that response.

All I wanted to do was to stay to hear the mother’s response yet I continued on my walk through the mall. I hadn’t even been able to capture the mother’s face after her daughter had said those words. It had all happened too fast.

I put my hand on my baby bump and thought about my little one for a minute.

Would he say something like this in the future? How would I even respond to a statement like this if he had asked me for a Dad for Christmas?

My mind started spiralling.

He has a Dad whom he’ll be able to meet when he turns 18.

But he will only see his Dad in a book that I have created. Does that even count as a Dad?

He may have a Dad in the future. I could remarry again.

Imagine dating again when you have a child? It makes everything so complicated. What if my son falls in love with a guy I am dating and our relationship doesn’t work out?

During my walk home, I was in deep concentration and nothing could take my mind off my thoughts that soon turned into obsessive thoughts (better known as anxiety). I started worrying about everything and whether or not I would have the right things to say when tough situations came up.

How did other mothers without a partner answer this question?

Whenever there is a question that I don’t know the answer to, I turn towards my community on Instagram. There are so many supportive people on there and a lot of them are doing the solo parent thing.

Here are just some of the amazing responses I received:

“Not all dads are great ones. Supportive men are everywhere…grandpas, uncles, family friends, cousins. They can act as a Dad. I wouldn’t know what to say either, but thinking about this in advance is why you’re already an amazing Mom Sarah.”

“I know baby but you do have a dad. He helped mommy make you from far away. Unfortunately, I don’t know him, but I wish I did so that you could know him. We can look at pictures of him together and maybe one day we can know his name. For now, it’s just you and me.”

“I wish that you had one too because I always want you to have the things that make you happy but I wanted you so badly that I made the choice to have you even though there was no “dad” in my life. I just couldn’t wait and having you was the most important thing in the world. We are so lucky though because you are loved even more than a lot of people who have dads (some of whom aren’t so nice). People saw you and were able to see how perfect you are and wanted to be part of your life so that they could love you too.”

The last message I received was from a former student I taught years ago. She is now in her mid 20’s and wrote me this:

“I actually grew up just Mom and me as well. I’ve never actually met my dad or anyone on his side of the family. I’m positive that I asked my Mom a question like that at some point – not just about having a father but also about his side of the family. I don’t remember her saying something specific but I just remember feeling really loved after we talked about it. She said something like ‘I was just so excited to have you here. I love you twice as much.’ So I guess it doesn’t matter what you specifically say because your little one is going to feel so loved.”

People were sending me messages telling me that they were taking screenshots when I posted some of these responses because they wanted to be ready to have beautiful answers when their child asked them about a father.

Here’s the thing though – kid’s love questions and it is only going to be a matter of time before these questions start coming up.

When I have announced my pregnancy to some people, a few have said: “I didn’t know you were seeing someone Sarah.” That’s when I respond that I am “doing it on my own.” But here’s the thing. I am not really doing it on my own.

I am living with my parents, I have my sisters and my brothers-in-law, I have two sweet cousins for my little one to meet, I have an extended family, and so many friends.  Plus, I have this amazing community that I would have never met had I not started this blog/social media account.

Some people have sent me messages asking me how I respond when people say that being a single mother by choice is “selfish.” How can one possibly decide to bring a baby into the world knowing that there is no father or male role model?

I have realized that you can’t plan how to respond to situations like these or even situations when a child asks for a Dad for Christmas. Every time that I get asked a question I try to never respond in an angry or aggressive way. I take a deep breath, and let the right answer come out. Sometimes I am shocked by how I answer questions or statements. A lot of people just say things because they don’t understand enough about the situation. I take it upon myself to use these moments as teachable moments. 

When I say teachable moments, I don’t mean that I act as a “teacher” and teach them what is “right.” Instead, these moments are when two people exchange information and truly try to understand one another. Nothing is said in a hurtful or harmful way. Instead, you speak from the heart.

I’ve found that as long as I speak from the heart in all of the questions I have received since beginning my journey, people can’t really be that hurtful in response. Sure, some might be more aggressive but as long as I stay cool and calm and just speak from the heart, things have never really turned that ugly.

For the past couple of days, I can’t get the image of that little girl with her mom going into the bookstore out of my mind. She was so angelic and I am sure that her mother answered her question in a beautiful way. Mama’s somehow know how to answer the tough stuff. In times when they don’t, they can always come back to the question and answer it how they wished they would have from the beginning.

So when it is my turn, what will my answer be? I have no idea but I promise my answer will come straight from my heart and will be full of so much kindness, grace and love.

So let the questions begin.

What a Week – Messages About My Donor, My Mass, and My Third Anatomy Ultrasound

(I see my OB more than I see my friends).

Part One: Is This Your Donor?

24 hours after I wrote my blog post about my donor, I received an email via my personal Facebook.

“Hi there! Totally random message haha but I saw your name on a Fairfax forum and I was wondering if this is the same person. Sorry to sound like a creep.”

It was in my “secret” inbox (where you get Facebook messages from people that aren’t on your list of friends).

I stared at the message for a minute. How did this person know my real name? Why wasn’t she messaging me on sarahseekingbaby?

Then it hit me. I had used my real name as my username on the Fairfax Sibling Registry Donor Page. I had typed a message asking if anyone used the same donor as me. How stupid was I? Why had I used my real name?

I clicked on the photo of the woman who had written to me and saw that she was married, living in the United States, and liked hunting turkeys.

“Haha! Totally is” I wrote back.

“Oh good! I was wondering what your experience was with using that donor and how many times it took if you don’t mind me asking. My husband and I are using a sperm donor and doing IUI. We searched and searched and he has made it to our number 1 choice.”

I wrote back about how much I loved the donor and how it had only taken me one round of IUI to get pregnant using his sperm. I gave as much information as I could and logged off.

Before I could figure out how I felt, I received a direct message on Instagram from someone that followed me on sarahseekingbaby.

“Is this your donor?” the woman asked, complete with a baby picture of my donor.

“Yes” I quickly typed back.

She explained that she originally wanted him to be her donor but he said some things in his interview that made her change her mind.

“Such a small world” I wrote back.

Then I started getting more questions from other people on Instagram.

“Is your donor number -”

There were a lot of messages and I was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable but I didn’t know why. 

I started worrying that I had given away way too many details about my donor. So many details that people were starting to identify him. 

I wanted my baby to be the first one to find out who the donor was. I wanted to allow him the decision to connect with his donor siblings if he wanted to.  Then I started to feel terrible.

I tried to delete my Fairfax (sperm bank) account and I couldn’t do it. 

“Please delete my username and delete my account at this time” I typed in an email to Fairfax. 

Then I went back to my blog from last week and deleted as many details as I could. Within 24 hours two people had identified him and I started to become worried that it would keep happening.

All of this was so new to me. I needed time to decide how I felt about donor siblings. I needed time to figure out if I should reach out to other people. It was all happening too fast so I shut it all down.

Have not heard from anyone since Monday evening which has given me peace. Sometimes the world is just too small.

Part Two: The Mass

On Wednesday I went for my Research Ultrasound at Mount Sinai (part of a group in a study where they are studying placenta).

“I need to tell you something” I said to the physician doing my ultrasound. “They detected a mass on my right side and I don’t know what it is.”

“Well let’s have a look” said the physician.

She stared at it for about ten minutes and showed me what it looked like on the screen.

“It is your appendix” she said. “You aren’t in any major pain? They didn’t do an MRI?”

“No to all of the above” I said.

“This is a little tricky but I am not giving up” she said.

After about five minutes of her magnifying the mass a smile formed on her face.

“I can say with 100% certainty that this is an ovarian cyst. Did you take fertility medication when you were trying to get pregnant?”

“Yes” I said.

“It was caused by that” she said.

I wanted to hug her. She didn’t need to look into the mass for me. I was having my anatomy ultrasound on Thursday. She gave me all of the answers that I needed and calmed me right down.

She then proceeded to do the research ultrasound but baby boy was moving around far too much. In fact, she got a picture of him with his foot near his eye. 

From there, I went to my OB for an appointment.

“If you have a c-section, we will remove your cyst” said my OB right after I had the research ultrasound. “You also have low-lying placenta right now. Hopefully it gets better as your pregnancy progresses or you will have to have a  c-section.”

After my appointments on Wednesday went well, I was just hoping that Thursday my anatomy ultrasound (where they measure the baby) would be okay.

Part Three: Anatomy Ultrasound #3

“How are you feeling?” asked my Mom as soon as she saw me.

“Okay. Just super nervous” I said.

(Instagram Poll: Can This Please Be My Last Anatomy Ultrasound?)

After my second anatomy ultrasound where they found the mass, my mother stated that someone was going to accompany me to my next appointment. I had a choice – my brother in law (because he works from home) or her (because she is retired). I couldn’t even imagine my brother-in-law taking any of this information in so of course, I went with my Mom.

(Waiting at the Ultrasound)

The appointment was for 2:30 and by 3:00 my ultrasound was being done by the nicest woman, named Erin. Erin did my first anatomy ultrasound where she wasn’t able to get anything.

“He is moving around a lot today” she said.

“Please tell me I won’t have to come back” I said. “What is the record for someone coming back to have an anatomy ultrasound?”

“This has to be the final one. They won’t go over three. If we can’t get it right now, you’ll wait and have it done later tonight.”

I suddenly wondered how late they were open.

“This is such a miracle” said my Mom watching everything. She gave me constant updates on what baby boy was doing. 

“He is kicking. His butt is facing down. He is flipping over. He has a nose like you.”

During an anatomy ultrasound you can”t see the screen so you are just staring at the wall forever.

“He is not in the right position” said Erin. “We are going to need you to move.”

For over an hour, I was moved into various positions.

“Okay” said Erin. “I hope we are done. We shall see what the doctor says. Please just wait in the hall.

(Picture of Baby Boy at Anatomy Ultrasound)

We waited and waited and waited.

In fact, we spotted Erin in her coat. 

“I am leaving for the day” she said. “The doctor hasn’t had a chance to look at the pictures yet but I think they are okay. If not, she will do the ultrasound again.”

“Fingers crossed” I laughed.

Then we waited and waited.

The ultrasound area closed up for the day. I had never seen the floor for Mount Sinai so empty.

(Last Ultrasound Patient)

Sure there were a couple people – some having naps, some crying and being guided to “Special Pregnancy” or “High-Risk”, some on their phones trying to take their mind off the long wait.

“Sarah?” asked a doctor who came out beside the ultrasound area.

I felt sick to my stomach as soon as I saw her. I had seen her call patients after their ultrasound and then patients would leave in tears. I had heard “this is not a big deal but —–” said to so many people.

“Yes?” I asked.

“You can go home!” she smiled.

Baby boy had officially graduated! No more anatomy ultrasounds for this little one! 

“How do you feel?” asked my Mom.

“So relieved” I said with the biggest smile on my face. 

I finally felt at peace.

“What a week” I said with a smile.

Every week in pregnancy has been a massive learning experience for me. 

This week I learned that I don’t want to be too open about my donor and need to respect my donor/my baby/my privacy a bit more. I also learned so much about my body and the growth and development of this little one.

It only makes me wonder, what will I learn in the week ahead?

What Is Really Going On?

There have been so many times where I’ve had questions during the process of being a single mom by choice and I’ve reached out to friends, family, and the Instagram community.  Everyone has been there for me and I decided this week I’d give back.

Below are a series of questions that people messaged me on Facebook or Instagram this week.  In fact, I received so many questions (30 thus far) that this is going to be Part One of questions and next week I will answer Part Two. Some questions deal with topics related to becoming a single mother by choice. Other questions are just things that people are wondering about regarding my pregnancy or pregnancy in general.  Please know that I am such a huge fan of learning and of being open. Feel free to ask me anything and if you would like your question featured on the blog next week, just send me an email.

Now for the fun part….

  • You said you love your donor. Is it someone you personally know? Just curious.

It is not someone I personally know yet somehow I feel like I know him. I felt that using sperm from a friend might really complicate everything and was worried that the donor might change his mind once the baby was born and want to become part of the child’s life. Yes there are court documents to ensure that you are the sole parent but my social worker suggested that these documents don’t always hold up in court.

As a result, I decided to find a donor from a sperm bank. It was so hard choosing a donor and I even had a little breakdown while finding one (am I really that horrible that nobody wants to have kids with me?) After my little pity party (which I think everyone is allowed), I was very limited in my selection. I always thought I’d get a book and could select a donor from the book. Instead, I got a few matches online that I got to select from. After seeing a baby picture of the donor, reading the essay he wrote, hearing him in an interview, reading his genetic health history of his entire family, and seeing a current day silhouette of him, I knew he was the one. 

When I saw his baby picture I actually cried (only donor I cried about) because he looked so much like my sisters and I when we were kids. His voice and calm demeanor just drew me to him but it was hard to get him as a donor. In fact, I only used him as my donor on the second IUI (sperm inside the uterus) because I was on a waiting list and the timing didn’t work out the first time.

  • How and when did you commit to being a single mom by choice?

There was not a specific moment where this happened.  There were a bunch of key events that made me realize that this was something that I wanted to do.  Some of these events include: my grandma saying she was sad I was never going to have kids, a boyfriend who (during our relationship) told me he didn’t want kids, a motherly instinct that I have always had since I was a little girl, two friends that decided to become Choice Moms that inspired me to begin the process, my 37th birthday and realizing that time was not on my side anymore, spending time with kids and realizing how much joy they brought me and how my life would not seem fulfilled without children in some way.

I always wanted children and I’d say that if I had to pick an age where I started to think about it, it would maybe have been at the age of 34 (and it took me three years to talk about it with my doc).

  • Baby names?  Have you picked them?

I am terrified of coming up with a name this early in the process. I am so afraid of having a miscarriage because it is so common.  After 20 weeks, I feel as though I will really think about this.

In the meantime, I will tell you some names I feel a connection to right now.  As a child, I loved to write stories and every protagonist in my stories was named Abigail Jenkins. Have always loved the named Abigail but who knows.

As for a boy, I keep being drawn to the name Finn. The only issue is that it is a lot like my sister’s married last name so it may not work in the long run.

  • What will you tell your child?

After seeing both a social worker (because it is mandatory as a patient of Mount Sinai) and my counsellor (because I love keeping my mental health in check), I have made a decision to be open and honest as much as possible.

I will be creating a book for my little one with all of the info from his/her Dad. It will contain pictures at the fertility clinic and will include his/her dad’s essay, etc. I’ll follow what my counsellor suggests (when looking at appropriate age/language to use). I also plan to invest in many books about kids with single parents/kids with donors.

There is also a sibling registry where my child will be able to decide if he/she wants to get the names of his/her siblings and meet them. My child will also be given information about his/her Dad at the age of 18 and the Dad has agreed to have contact with him/her.

  • Did your doctor tell you to lose weight before you were pregnant?

According to the BMI, I am considered “obese.”  Through tears I asked my fertility doctor if I should try to lose a bunch of weight before getting pregnant. I asked if I should put everything on hold.

She informed me that studied show that when a patient puts a hold on the process and tries to lose weight, this almost never happens.  She indicated that we were against timing already (with my age being 37 at the time) so she determined that we needed to start right away.

I did try and lose weight but I have such a complicated relationship with food.  When I start restricting food I binge. I also eat when I am stressed, and have been stressed and challenged more through this process than with anything in my life.

I am also reminded that women all over the world with a lot of different sizes get pregnant every day. They even have healthy pregnancies.  I have no idea if weight will become a major issue during my pregnancy but I will keep you posted.

  • How do you handle the judgement? Has everyone been kind to you online and in real life?

I would say that I am VERY surprised that most people (about 99%) are positive.  I worried about hater/ people responding negatively to my blog.

There have been a couple times where I have been hurt by the things that people have said but I think over time I am building a tougher skin (which is crazy to say because anyone who knows me knows that I am an overly sensitive person).

When I started the process, I was totally embarrassed at the doctor’s when the receptionist told me that she couldn’t fax my form to the fertility office because I didn’t have a partner. After indicating infront of everyone in the waiting room that I was using a donor, she finally faxed the form.

About a month later when I called Mount Sinai to see what the hold-up was in becoming their patient, they explained that the didn’t process my form because under “partner info” it read “N/A.” Once again, I had to inform them that I was doing it on my own.

I also had a “friend” on my Facebook write something really negative about how I shouldn’t be writing any of this because my child wouldn’t want any of this to be published.  For the first couple hours, I didn’t even do anything. In fact, I didn’t even know she had posted that. My other friends started protecting me and came to my defense. They started writing things under her post and I realized that I really did have an army protecting me.

Eventually I gave her about six different reasons as to why I was sharing this info and reminded her that I thought long and hard about publishing this type of info. My child will know his/her story and I can remove everything if he/she wants me to. I just feel like this is such an important topic and one that should not be ignored. If I could help someone else out, I would try my best.

Have also had people that won’t talk to me about it or say that they aren’t interested in any of this which is TOTALLY fine.

  • Will you stay in Toronto? It is crazy expensive there. What is your plan?

Plans make me very nervous so I *think* I have a plan for the first year. As of right now, the first year of the baby’s life will be spent in Toronto.

After that, I will most likely be moving.  Everything really depends on my job and if I were to go somewhere new, I would lose all of my seniority as a teacher. It sounds a little crazy to leave a full teaching contract position of 15 years to start somewhere new.

That being said, I plan to give my child the best life he/she can have. If it means taking chances and moving to somewhere much more affordable, it is not out of the question.

  • How did you tell your parents?

This seems like so long ago! I feel like I started by making little jokes about it to see the reaction on their face.  That lasted for a couple of months. From there, I called my Mom up and explained that I was seriously thinking about it. I knew she was going on vacation and I wanted her to tell my Dad. I figured they could talk about it while they were away.

When they came back from their vacation my Mom told me (infront of the entire family) that she asked my Dad about it. She announced that Dad had said that “if your baby makes you as happy as the three of my girls have made me, it is worth it.”

It was very sweet and reminded me that you never know how people will take the news. I was so worried about what he would think of me and I didn’t need to worry at all.

  • No one is supporting me. What do I do?

I am so sorry that this is happening to you and know that it is totally normal. I’ve been VERY lucky to have this much support. I would suggest you invest in a good counsellor. A counsellor will be your biggest supporter and fan. When you start to doubt yourself, he/she will be there to help you.

A counsellor will work on all of your fears with you. He/she will help you process the feelings of others as well as any feelings you have yourself.  I have also heard of many people who didn’t support the single mother until she had the baby. Once the baby was born, she received a lot of support from people who were against the whole process.

  • How did you tell people you were pregnant?

Well everyone knew when I would find out if I was pregnant (I posted the date of my second IUI). They knew it would be a two week wait.

I told my family over Facebook messenger and recorded their responses. You may remember that a little while back, my Mac died and I haven’t been able to afford a new laptop. As a result, I was storing all pictures and videos on my phone but before long my iPhone storage had reached the limit. I emailed the videos to myself and just assumed they would always stay in iCloud. It turns out that videos are only stored for 30 days. I have now lost all of the videos I made with reactions I received when telling my closest fam and friends about my pregnancy.

I am sure there will be some sort of video made before the baby is born but I might just interview fam and friends about the arrival of the baby and have my bro in law (master of technology) put something together.

  • How are you feeling?

I am not feeling well at all. Morning sickness/all day sickness has been A LOT to handle. I am now in week 11 and can barely keep food down. I have one random day out of about seven where I feel okay and able to do something.

My days have been spent taking diclectin (now up to three a day), sipping ginger ale, avoiding most foods, having to cancel plans with friends/family, and watching a lot of Netflix.

It is totally worth it but in the meantime, people have given me A LOT of tips to help with the morning sickness. These include things such as taking meds at night, taking ginger gravol, eating ginger candies, eating jolly ranchers, carrying bags with me, acupuncture, eating a variety of small meals every day, talking to my OB, etc.

I also need to keep saying “no” to things and to not feel guilty about it. Right now, I feel like that flaky friend that always bails. I keep having to remind myself that I am doing the right thing for me and my little one.

  • Have you received your results for the Harmony test?

Yes! My baby has tested negative for Down’s and for a couple other genetic abnormalities. I found out on Friday.

I also want everyone to know that I have two friends who have children with Down’s and they inspire me every day. Their kids are the absolute best and bring them so much joy.

I just wanted the information to have the testing done. Wasn’t sure what I was going to do with it but I wanted to know.

Some of you also know that you can find out the gender by doing this test. Personally, I don’t want to know the gender until later. As someone who is constantly worried about pregnancy loss, I am just not ready to know yet.

Thanks for sending in your questions and please know that next week I’ll be answering more. If you sent me a question that hasn’t been answered yet, please know that I’ll answer it next week.

Wishing everyone an amazing and healthy week ahead!

First Ultrasound: Not At All What I Expected

It was 9:30 a.m. and the sun was already beating down on me. I had just stepped out of my apartment and I could see my Mom rounding the corner with a huge smile on her face.

“Today is the day” she said as she gave me a hug. “How are you feeling?” she asked.

“Incredibly nervous and super excited” I said with a smile.

I ordered an Uber and we stood outside in the heat talking about what we had been up to the past couple of days. When the Uber arrived, I felt relieved to just sit down. Had no idea I’d be this nervous to go to my first ultrasound at 8 weeks. My legs felt like jelly and it was nice to just sit down and relax.

Our drive was bumpy and my Mom was telling me all about going out for dinner the other night and the server that they had.

“You know. The dinner was exceptional but I think it may have been the servers first time serving.”

I couldn’t concentrate on what she was saying. Instead I was watching the time, watching how the Uber driver was darting inbetween traffic, and I was just trying to focus on my breathing in order to stay as calm as possible.

“What would you like from Starbucks?” my sister J texted me. She was kind enough to make sure that she changed her day at the office so that she could come with us. She had been to so many appointments and it was so beautiful that she could come to this one.

“Just water” I said feeling so thirsty.

The Uber driver finally dropped us off at the fertility clinic and I was excited to show my Mom that this was the place I had been attending for almost a year. It was also a place where I went for about 30 appointments over that time.

“This is it” I proudly said to my Mom.

We went into the elevator and I pressed seven. “This is really starting to feel real” I said. “It also makes me somewhat sad as this will most likely be the last time I come to this clinic.”

When the elevator doors opened nobody was in the waiting room.

“This is so odd” I said to the receptionist. “Where is everyone? It is a weekday.”

“It is eerily quiet right now” she said with a laugh.

My Mom and I sat down for a couple minutes before I was told that I could get changed into a hospital gown. My Mom got to come with me and suddenly all of the places in the fertility clinic that I had described in my blog were coming to life for my Mom.

“This is where I sat when the women all coached me on what to do before my first ultrasound” I said.

“I am here! Where do I go?” texted my sister J.

My Mom knew she would get lost if she went to find J so I just went out in my hospital gown.

“This is so exciting” she said as she followed me into the room with the hospital gowns.

“Sarah?” asked the nurse. “Have you had a chance to use the restroom?”

“I will go right now” I said remembering that every time before an ultrasound I had to empty my bladder.

“Your family can follow me” she instructed to my Mom and sister.

“They get to actually go in?” I asked.

“Of course” she said.

It was so exciting walking into the room with the nurse, the ultrasound equipment and seeing both my Mom and sister sitting on chairs.

“Are you ready?” asked the nurse.

“Great it is an internal ultrasound” I laughed. There is nothing like something going inside of you as you look at your Mom and sister.

“Take her picture” instructed my Mom to my sister. “We need to remember this.”

“Really?” asked my sister laughing.

“Of course” I said with a smile.

The probe was inside of me and my Mom, sister and I just started catching up about various family members and how everyone was doing. I could hear that the nurse was taking pictures and it was taking a bit of time.

From what I had heard from other people regarding ultrasounds, the nurse would not say anything so I didn’t expect to hear or see anything.

“Do you want to look?” asked the nurse.

My Mom and sister stood up and came closer to the screen. I stared closely at the screen.

“Is there a baby in there?” I asked. “Please just tell me a baby is in there and that the baby is okay.”

“Look at this” said the nurse. “If you look close enough you can see the heartbeat flashing on the screen.”

I saw it.

It was beautiful but also made me feel something I did not expect – absolute and total fear.

This was not like the movies. I was supposed to have my belly out and we were supposed to hear the heatbeat. We were supposed to all scream with excitement and I was supposed to start crying tears of joy.

It wasn’t happening.

Instead, I felt this intense feeling of protection.

When I first told people that I was pregnant, they would say “congrats Mama” and I didn’t get it. Yes I had something instead of me, but I totally didn’t feel like a Mama.

Now, looking at this heartbeat I finally felt like a Mama. It was a feeling of so much joy but it also felt like all of this weight being added to my shoulders.

Things were changing.

There was no denying it. I was no longer single independent Sarah anymore. I was a Mama who was going to do anything for that little baby. My needs didn’t matter anymore because all I cared about was making sure that little one was protected. I was going to sacrifice and do anything so that I could to be the best Mama that I could to that little heartbeat.

With that image on the screen my life had completely changed. I was now responsible for something so great and now every single decision in my life would be made thinking of that little heartbeat before my own wants and needs.

“Here are the pictures” said the nurse printing out the pictures of the ultrasound.

“Thanks” I said laughing at how there was really not that much to see in the image.

Yet one thing was for certain – that tiny little seed had a heartbeat and my life was transforming infront of me. I would do absolutely anything for that little seed.

After being in the room we saw my fertility doctor and I thanked her for everything.

“You are now graduating from the clinic” she said.

“I feel like I need a graduation song” I said thinking of Vitamin C’s graduation song that plays at literally every graduation of life.

“Do you want me to play a song on my phone? “asked the other nurse in the room.

“It’s okay” I laughed. I knew that even the words by Vitamin C would be too much at that moment. It was super emotional and I knew that I’d burst into tears.

Mount Sinai Fertility made me feel at home for the past year and it made me so sad (and happy) to be leaving and graduating from the clinic. The nurses had helped answer every single question I had ever had. They had called me and given me life-changing news. My fertility doctor (Dr. Jones) was also the most compassionate, empathetic, intelligent woman. She always had this calming nature and was there to support me through everything.

As my sister, Mom, and I all left I couldn’t help but notice that the waiting room in the fertility clinic was completely full. There were hardly any seats available.

My heart sunk and I just wanted to reach out to everyone there.

I also felt guilty that I was holding pictures of an ultrasound and that other couples had been trying so hard and for so long without their pictures just yet.

“Magic happens here” I thought. “Don’t give up.”

We pressed the elevator to go down to G and I couldn’t help but become very sentimental about leaving a place that gave me so much.

Thank you Mount Sinai for everything and thank you for giving me a little heartbeat inside of me. I promise to make all decisions based on what is right for the little one and to be the best Mama that I can possibly be.

Change of Plans?

I was once someone who always needed a plan.  A plan made me feel secure and made me feel like I was doing the right thing.  Go to school, go to University, get your first job, take no time off.  As a people pleaser I did what everyone expected of me and making them happy, in turn, made me happy.

In high school I proudly wore my promise ring from my high school boyfriend of three years.  I honestly thought that I’d end up marrying him and build a life in the small town where I grew up.  My parents met in grade ten and stayed together so why would that not be my fate?

When I went to University, my high school boyfriend and I broke up.  I dated a bit in my 20’s and always remained a happy and committed partner to whomever I was dating.  When I met my ex-husband, we were great friends for about three years before we dated.  He proposed on my 30th birthday and I had a plan. Sure I had wanted to get married at the age of 25 and had a mini meltdown on my 25th birthday when I was not engaged to be married, but by 30, I knew that I was sticking to a plan. 

We moved into a beautiful house, both had jobs we loved, and even had a bulldog named Hudson.  Things were going according to plan until they weren’t.

One year after getting married, my ex-husband and I spilt and it shattered my world.  In life, if you did everything right, you would be rewarded. Right? If you created a plan and worked hard to follow that plan, everything would work out. Right?

Looking back, I can’t believe how naïve I was back then. Having a plan made me so secure but it also sent me into anxiety mode when the boxes weren’t being checked off perfectly. With a plan, I was expecting way too much of myself as well as expecting too much of everyone around me.

After my divorce, I wanted to get a tattoo so I got the word “change” on my wrist.  The purpose of the tattoo was to constantly remind myself that change was a good thing.  There was a time where anxiety filled my stomach when someone mentioned the word “change.”  In going through my divorce, I realized that change was actually a blessing. 

It’s funny how often I’ve looked at my tattoo because change has been such a prevalent part of my life. For someone so scared of it at one time, I feel as though I have really been tested to accept that change can and will occur and the best way to deal with change is to be open to it.

In fact, my tattoo of “change” has never been as meaningful as it is right now – in being seven weeks pregnant as a future Choice Mom.

There is this commercial on television for a car and when things don’t go as planned it just says “recalculating” and I have to laugh at it because I feel like this describes my life. Another person once told me to just yell “plot twist” when something unexpected happens. Instead of getting mad at myself or anxious about my life I just try to say the words “recalculating” or “plot twist” and it tends to make me feel better.

In telling people that I am pregnant, they really want to know the “plan”. When will I leave work? When will I return to work? Will I move in with my parents? Who is going to help me? Will I stay in Toronto? Where will I live? Can I afford Toronto as a single mother? Should I leave Toronto and try to get hired by a new school board?

So many questions and unfortunately, I don’t have the answers.

If a couple people ask me these questions, I can usually just breathe through the questions.  It’s almost as though I need to help their anxiety because they are worried about me and are searching for some kind of plan. 

The issue is that I don’t really have a plan.  The old Sarah, would have never have been able to deal without some sort of “plan.” I would have had a plan as well as five back-up plans and I’d be checking off lists making sure that everything was going according to plan.

When I planned to have a baby in the past, I always just assumed it would be in a detached home with two extra bedrooms – two babies (the perfect family). 

Now I live in a beautiful condo but it is small and I am not exactly sure where everything is going to fit. But it is okay. I am okay and baby will be okay.

Things are going to change.  As of right now, I think I’ll be staying in the city but I have no actual idea what will happen between now and one year from now. Do any of us, really? When I had a plan in life, nothing went according to my plan.

A couple summers ago, I went on a wine tour and about ten of us were sitting in a bus.  My friends were kind enough to humour me in a game that I always love to play.  Instead of the game “truth or dare”, I created a game called “truth 1 or truth 2.”  Truth one is full of silly questions such as “what is your favourite food?” while truth two questions are often very deep such as “what is the scariest moment you have ever had in your life?” As someone who prefers really deep questions, I always hope that someone will say that they are willing to answer a “truth 2” question.

One of my friends said they’d like to tackle a truth two question that was later open to the entire group. My question to my friends was “do you feel as though your life has gone according to plan? Did you ever think you would be where you are right now in your life?”

Every single person said “no.”

I was absolutely shocked.  On that drive I listened to friends discuss how they weren’t where they thought they’d be when it came to relationships, work, finances, children, etc. 

So my question is, if nobody’s life is really going according to plan, why do we all feel like we need to have a plan?

My “plan” is to try to bring this baby to term.  All I am trying to do right now is to have a healthy pregnancy.  Unfortuantely I can’t share the logistics of where I am living, where my baby will go to daycare, what sort of support system I am going to have, etc.  I honestly just want to live each day as it comes.

You know who has a plan? The universe.  I know that sounds a bit crazy and my sister absolutely HATES when I mention the word “universe” because she thinks it is so bizzare but I really feel like we are all being taken care of.

When you see a pregnant Mama or hear that someone is pregnant, maybe we lay off the questions because it can be too much.  Maybe we just ask “how are you feeling?”  That’s a great question to start with. Don’t get me wrong – this is the pot calling the kettle black. I ask so many questions to people but I am going to start trying to check myself.  I am going to ask myself “is this a question to help the person or is this just a question because I am nosy? Do they actually need my “help” in bringing up this question?”

Sometimes questions can just really add up and for me, it is starting to feel like a lot. I feel like I am not able to please everyone and that maybe I am doing something really wrong because I don’t have a plan. 

Then I have to stop and remind myself that I am okay. Things will work out and no matter where I live, which daycare my child will attend, or where I will work, this baby will be so loved. In the end, all that really matters is that there is a whole lot of love.

Wishing everyone a great week and if you don’t have a one, five or ten year plan, join the club! We are all just trying to get by and sometimes living without a plan can be the most rewarding thing you can do for yourself.

The Results Are In!

Wed June 12th 2019

I was standing in the line waiting to pay for my two pregnancy tests and the man behind me wanted to chat.  For the first time in my life, I didn’t want to chat.  I had tunnel vision and all I wanted to do was get home and take a pregnancy test.

“How does this watch work?” asked the man holding up a watch from the store. Who knew that Rexall Pharmacy sold watches? Not this girl.

“I have no idea” I said (totally lying).  Normally, nothing gives me greater joy than to help someone out but I was on a mission and I needed to know if I was in fact, pregnant.

Once home, I decided it was time.

Yes the nurse told me not to take an at home pregnancy test.  Yes I googled about how one should not take an at home pregnancy test after taking fertility meds as it usually results in a positive.  Yes I was having my blood test at 7 am the next morning but I didn’t care.  

I needed to know the results.

I also didn’t want to see the results on my own.  I have promised to share everything with you on this journey and thought it was fitting that you were with me in that moment as well.


After the test I called my sister J. I facetimed her with the positive pregnancy test beside my face.

“No way” she said.

“Way” I laughed. 

I then went on to explain that this was hopeful but didn’t mean I was necessarily pregnant.  I didn’t want to get too excited and wanted to keep all of my feelings in check.

But I wanted to celebrate.

I took the pregnancy test and decided to sleep beside it. 

I couldn’t put it under my pillow because I was afraid I’d break it.  My logic said that if I slept beside a positive test in the night it would be positive in the morning. If you haven’t realized it yet – the fertility process makes you lose your damn mind. Fully aware that I sound like a lunatic. 

Thursday June 13th

Just before I was about to leave for the fertility clinic at 6:30 a.m., I realized that I still needed to take the pregnancy test.

I took it but nothing showed up.  I didn’t really have to go pee so the stick wasn’t fully pink (turns pink when it is fully wet).  A little too much TMI?

I kept checking to make sure that my cycle hadn’t started and went off to the clinic with a smile on my face. 

Something told me I was pregnant.

After getting my blood taken, I stopped and got a decaf coffee. I was finally able to use the restroom and in Café Dineen, I took the pregnancy test.  After that, I put it in my purse.  I couldn’t wait to look at it until I got home, I checked it and it was positive.

Cafe Dineen – the perfect place for a pregnancy test.

Then I waited. And waited.  And waited some more.

By 4:00 p.m., I knew that the clinic was closed and all of the calls were made for the day.  How could the clinic not tell me whether or not I was pregnant?  This was a true test for a really anxious person.  I had the vision of telling my family on Thursday night and I couldn’t tell them, or could I?

After arriving home from work at 9:30 p.m., I decided it was time to call my parents.

“Congratulations” they said.  They were so happy and I recorded the whole thing.  My super kind and talented bro in law promised to make me a video of all of the reactions. My parents were so happy and also a little worried since I hadn’t heard from the clinic so they were afraid to celebrate too much.

Then I called my bro-in-law D and sister E.  They completely freaked out and I was so happy to record their faces.  E indicated that on this date two years ago, she told D that she was pregnant.  That made me cry (again for the 100th time). E said her little one was crying and I begged her to let me see my niece.  The camera revealed that my niece stood up in her crib for the first time.  Then my niece saw me on the phone and started to blow me kisses.  It was the sweetest moment and something I’ll never forget.

My other sister J was sending me a lot of messages and I spoke with her explaining that there was no news but that I was really feeling like I was pregnant.

That night the Toronto Raptors won and there were so many celebrations outside my apartment.  Everyone was cheering and fireworks were going off.  The game brought everyone in the city together and nothing made me happier than falling asleep to the sound of so many happy people.  It was a great night.

Friday June 14th

I woke up and got ready for work and saw that the clinic was calling at 7:00 a.m. (right when they first opened).

“Sarah….the test is positive” said the nurse.

“For real?” I screamed.

“For real” she laughed. She then explained that I needed to wait until Saturday at 10:30 a.m. to take my final test to make sure my levels were high enough.  She said that levels should be anything above 50 and that my levels were at 200 so everything looked “really good.”

On the way to work, Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love of All” came on the radio.  It was part of a mash-up of songs on 92.5, and I started sobbing.  If I were to have a baby, it would be the “greatest love of all” and it was “happening to me.”  HOLY EMOTIONAL.

That’s when I decided to start telling people.  I wanted to tell my closest family and friends before they found out on my blog or Instagram so I decided it was okay to start telling people.

My co-worked filmed my sister J’s reaction and the reaction from my parents.  Hopefully one day I can share that video with you.

Every person I told was so happy.  Every person had believed in me so much. Every call gave me the greatest joy. I laughed and mostly cried when I got to speak to some of my favourite people in the world.  Life was so good. 

Saturday June 15th

I went to the clinic at 10:30 a.m. and every time I went to the washroom I kept checking to make sure that my cycle hadn’t started.  Truth be told, it just felt too good to be real.  Getting pregnant after your second IUI was something that I never thought would happen.

Fertility is completely a game of chance and I have so many friends who have had such difficult journeys in getting pregnant.  I have locked eyes and smiled at so many women in fertility clinics who go there every single day. I have watched as several of my friends have struggled through miscarriages.  I have heard so many stories and I didn’t expect to be lucky.  Yet here I am. Please know that I am fully aware of how lucky I am. I feel so blessed.

When I went to the clinic it was completed deserted except for one other woman wearing a “Mama Bird” t-shirt.  I loved it and realized that if I am a Mom, I am going to wear all the Mom t-shirts and have all the Mom mugs. 

“Sarah?” asked the nurse.

I went into the room to get my blood taken and wondered if it would be my last time in the clinic not knowing 100% whether or not I was pregnant. Then I got teary eyed.

When I flipped my arms over to expose my veins, the nurse said “wow….you are really bruised on both arms. You have had a lot of blood tests done.”

“It is so worth it” I beamed.

From there, I went to the LCBO and bought my sister J and her husband D some champagne.  Little did I know that they had champagne and the cutest sign for me at their place.

Not sure if I am laughing or crying here. HOLY EMOTIONAL.

When I got in their apartment they popped the champagne and J made me a sparkling non-alcoholic drink but put it in a champagne glass.

“Thank you so much for supporting me on my journey” I said as we toasted.

About thirty minutes later my phone rang.

“Sarah?” asked the nurse on the phone.

“Yes?” I said.

“You sound really worried” said the nurse.

“I am so worried” I admitted.

“Everything is great. We will see you in three weeks for your first ultrasound.”

I cried.

It felt amazing.

The world seemed right. 


My baby is due in February 2020!

Can I Please Start This Process? No? Okay. Cool.

So now that I have my sperm donor, I am ready for my first IUI (placing sperm inside the uterus).  Well, I’ve been ready since January.

As part of the process in becoming a Single Mom by Choice you need to meet with a social worker.  When I told my social worker that I’d be finding my sperm donor in December and starting my IUI in January, she explained that Mount Sinai Fertility had run out of funding and that it probably wouldn’t come back until March.

Please note that with funding, the process is probably going to cost me $6000-$8000 (if everything goes according to plan). Without funding, it is going to cost A LOT more. Funding is ESSENTIAL.

When I explained this issue to my sister over Christmas, she took charge and helped me to figure out finances.  She totalled up her monthly costs for daycare. She then showed me that depending on when I had a baby, it would greatly affect my daycare costs.  If I were to have a January baby, I would ultimately have to pay more for daycare because the child starts school later.

Then we took the daycare costs and added in the amount without funding to see if I should just go ahead and start in January. Turns out, it was less expensive if I just waited until funding came back.

Please also note that nobody really has that much control over when they get pregnant.  It’s like a game of chance. As much as my sister and I could write out figures, in the end, I don’t really have that much control in picking out which month I get pregnant. As a control freak, this whole being patient thing is really getting to me.  I haven’t even started the process yet and already my patience is being tested.

In the meantime, I decided that I would just have fun.  I’d date a bit and enjoy myself until I was ready.  Who knew?  Perhaps I’d be able to meet a wonderful partner and I could just end up eventually having a family with him.  Haha!  Didn’t happen.

When March hit, I checked in with Mount Sinai and was told that funding would be coming back in April.  My cycle hit at the end of March I was so excited!  I called on Day 1 because it meant that by the time I was ready to have my first IUI it would be in April which would mean that they would have funding.

Everything in me told me that the time was right.

Everything until the administrative assistant called to tell me that there wasn’t any funding but that I was welcome to proceed with my IUI if I paid the fees without government assistance.  AHHHH!

When I got the call I was in my office at work and my work friends could tell something was up.  After telling them what happened I found myself blinking back tears of frustration. I wiped my tears and went on with my work day but when I came home I cried more.

I know it is only a month but I feel like something goes wrong every single time the process is *supposedly* ready to officially begin.

Now I am waiting until my next cycle in late April which puts me sometime in mid-May to begin my first IUI. I am doing my first round without fertility drugs which means my chances are LOW (20% low). My fertility doctor suggested doing the first round without drugs followed by two rounds with fertility drugs.  She explained that there have been a lot of cases of twins with fertility drugs and if I didn’t want twins right now, I should try one round without the drugs.

I have also decided not to worry. I am not going to stress myself out by reading books about my chances of getting pregnant or reading about how I should eat/exercise, etc., to increase the likelihood of getting pregnant.  My friend who is a Choice Mom told me that the first two times before her IUI she tried to do everything “right” to get pregnant and it didn’t work. The third time before her IUI she had pizza and drank a bit of wine.  The next day, she was a lot calmer and the IUI worked.

For some, reading about all of these things (stats, ways to help your body get pregnant) helps women feel in control.  To me, facts and numbers make me feel completely stressed out.

So now I am playing a waiting game.  I’m hoping my cycle does happen at the end of April and that I get my first IUI sometime mid-May.  After that, I have heard you wait two weeks to find out if you are pregnant.  This is such a test of patience and God only knows how I’ll be doing at that time.

As for right now, I am trying to breathe, stay calm, and think positive thoughts. I’m also about to enjoy a glass of wine and a damn good piece of pizza.